Women holding things
Source: Unknown
I have been thinking about that piece by Maira Kalman called Women Holding Things.
The first time I came across it may have been in March, Women’s History Month. But it comes up every now and then in my feed, and I always watch it until the end. Particularly with the development of Cave, holding women up has become more and more relevant. I am now a woman in business, and the fact that I feel even slightly self-conscious and small each time I say this means the louder my voice must be. For probably the first time in my life, I am a minority. For reasons being uncovered as I go steadily along, I have chosen to reside in a city whose native language is not my own. I chose to start a business in the same month of my arrival. And now that I am a woman in business, there is one challenge after another that I cannot help but realize are probably much easier, historically, for a man to brave.
I swept and mopped my apartment Saturday, did two loads of laundry, shuffled the appliances out of their corners and cleaned underneath, planted an herb garden, made some pizza dough, spoke to a friend, watched a movie. I did a lot today. And it all came after a week of French classes and part-time work at a yoga studio, as well as wrapping up freelance jobs and toiling through others. I actually really love my job. I love my life a little more each day. And despite going days, sometimes, without speaking in-person in my native and only fluent tongue, despite therapy every other week, despite more silver hairs sprouting from my temples, I’m in love. I am a woman, holding many things.
I was speaking to a friend today about my life, up until this point. I have so many rich memories and I’m not yet 30… I want to be able to do something with them. To hold onto and consolidate them, but also to use them to inspire people to also lead with their own spirit. I feel like the only way through is to share a little bit more and a little bit more about me, with the hope that my own vulnerability will bring my people closer.
One of the stories that seemed to acutely access my innermost fears was that of Christopher McCandless. Happiness only real when shared, he wrote, before passing away, alone, in the Alaskan wilderness. It scares me sometimes to be realizing how much my past decisions have put me in harm’s way… coed inner city Chicago hostels (solo), wild affairs with Spanish men, moving to a different continents without a job or a place to stay. Is it reckless? What’s the link between risk and happiness? I am gathering all the data and using some of my own for reference.
I just know that I wouldn’t change anything.
For the past few months, I have vowed to sit through pain and discomfort of a new routine – all the bits that I had twice moved across the world to avoid confronting. I let these traumas wash over me… the not-good-enoughness, the you’re-too-muchness. The journey to self-acceptance has been a long one and one that continues.
My journey with my followers has been akin to a swimming or yoga practice, but skipping or holding your breath where you really should be breathing. Lately, not only have I just been the head-down sort of busy, part of me has committed to presenting myself as a very curated and intentional person in business. I am these things, and I’m grateful. But it’s not really so pleasant to feel overwhelmed, hiding parts of you from the people who, ironically, are likely to embrace you most vividly. That’s the paradox that Brene Brown writes on as well: [vulnerability] is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I want you to see in me”.
This is, essentially, the core of Cave – providing safe spaces for people, especially women, who dare to live full and juicy lives, and hopefully, with time and courage, find themselves in positions of leadership and guidance. There is immense wisdom and power in womanhood. I have always known it, and now I am embodying it, and I want to be loud about it, in all the ways that a sensitive and emotional young person can be.
I’ve noted some of Women Holding Things below. I’d like to invest soon in Maira’s book of paintings, maybe as a birthday present to myself. It is a respectable and honest reflection of the human experience, and of being a woman as the result of generations before her.
Women holding things
What do women hold?
The home and the family and the children and the food
The friendships, the work, the work of the world, and the work of being human
The memories and the troubles and the sorrows
And the triumphs and the love
Men do as well but not quite in the same way
Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly happy or content
I think I can provide sustenance for legions of human beings
I can hold the entire world in my arms
Other times I can barely cross the room
and I drop my arms, frozen
there is never an end to holding
and certainly there is often the feeling of never doing enough
and then there is the next day
and the next day
and one holds on
